Single Player's Not As Fun In the Game of Life

Sooner or later, Dear Readers, someone from the States is going to impress me with their independent, quirky, nerd loving style. That time is not now. I turn once again to The Great White North in order to find amusement as I have often done in the past. This time it is a pair of Canadian Hosers the likes of which haven't been seen since Bob and Doug. A couple of nerds who sing songs about iPhone obsessions, girls that leave because guys play too many video games, and other assorted Nerd Friendly topics. I'm talking, of course, about the comedy duo Nerds With Guitars.

Sh*t Just Got Real

I have nothing more to talk about today after reading this

Sweep the Leg

Okay, let me set the scene for you: A couple of years after the events of The (original) Karate Kid, Johnny Lawrence's parents have another child, and emigrate to Toronto. The Lawrence's second child is a precocious little girl and, desiring nothing but the best for their little one, they decide to change their last name to Simone because the name Lawrence makes people think of guys like this. 25 years or so go by and Johnny's little sister is all grown up, looking good, and sharing her big brother's penchant for creepy skull-oriented face paint. No, seriously, it's creepy. But possibly the best music video I've seen in the last 10 years. No weird subtexts, no bullshit social messages, and no stupid hats. Maybe even the best music video since this one.

Can't Take Sarah to Gallifrey

This is a sad day for me, and probably for most nerds/geeks/dorks. I am on a business trip for the day job and was in meetings, conference calls, and other assorted corporate type things for the whole day. After many many hours of the daily grind I pulled out the sacred  iPhone to see the happy news of the day. But the man there said the music wouldn't play.

Bad Ass, Bad Taste

I know I keep promising a Catman review, and I promise that I'll get around to it, but the Black Ninja post put me into a Kung Fu mood and I wanted to continue to explore that. I found a rough in the diamond over the weekend and wanted to share it with you. Before you go thinking this is a positive review, you should re-read that last sentence. Go ahead, re-read it. I'll wait.

Okay, now do you see where I'm going? Good. Now, as you probably guessed by the above picture, this movie stars a fake Bruce Lee (this one spells it Li) not the real, super badass Bruce Lee. So don't get mislead into thinking this is just one of his earlier efforts. That, my friends, is a primrose path. Let's get started.

Classic Kung Fu Cinema

Okay, I know that I promised you guys a Catman review in my last post. However I could not, in good conscience, go through one more day without telling you, Dear Readers, about one of the greatest films of all time. It's a film that set the stage for The 36th Chamber of Shaolin and Enter the Dragon. It's really that good. That film? Well that film is called Black Ninja, and it's going to kick your ass.

I'm Walking, Yes Indeed...

I had a pretty vivid dream last night about Gandhi and Earl Grey tea. This is similar to a dream I had several years ago that I remember in vivid detail. In both dreams an Indian man was talking to be about drinking tea, and walking everywhere. Such was the vividness that I actually remember smelling the tea as it boiled in the pot (but there was no visible source of heat, so maybe dream radiation?). Anyway, the point is that during our conversation Gandhi told me that I needed to walk more so I could, "See the world the way it is meant to be seen. Also, you have a spare tire." Even my sub-conscious is snarky. 

Economy Got Ya Down?

So, amidst all the talk of economic recovery we've got some bad news. Gas prices are going up. So are food prices. Wages are not. What's a poor, self-aware citizen to do? First of all, quit bitching so much. You didn't wake up in Fallujah today, and you're home isn't covered in radiation laden sea water (unless I have a bigger international audience than I thought, in which case, I'm sorry for your loss). The second thing you can do is make a couple of subtle, yet powerful changes in your life that won't cost much more than a little bit of your time.

Soon to Be A Grindhouse Classic

Rutger Hauer has long been a Paragon of Geekiness. He's had roles in some of  the SciFi and Fantasy genres most beloved films (and this), plus he's got that cool accent. Now, Dear Readers, he has blessed us with a film that will surely go down in the annals of film lore as the 21st century equivalent of Citizen Kane. What is the name of this film?

This Thing of Darkness I Acknowledge Mine

This could be my most polarizing post yet. I can honestly see all of my thousands of hundreds of ten readers flying off the handle in fits of complete electronic anarchy as they debate the merits of the film I'm reviewing today. Of course, because my readers hate me, they won't have this war on my comment board. If you guys would like a primer on the different types of venom you might want to spew, please take a look at this. [EDITOR'S NOTE: If you guys do choose to have your war on my comment board, please note that I will delete and eradicate all hate speech. Then I'll probably make fun of you publicly. You have been warned.]

How to Save the World, One Step at A Time

By now, you should know that I am an intrepid wanderer of teh interwebs. You should also know that I'm a big fan of Humanity putting aside its douchebag tendencies and doing something to help the world. To that end, I'd like to discuss one of my favorite websites of all time. Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking, but I assure you, you're wrong. The website I want to discuss is one of those instances where a group of people (well, in this case, many groups of many people) have come together to educate, entertain, and help one another. That website is:

Instructables.com

July In March Part Two - Shut the F*ck Up When I'm Talking to You

For those of you that have been paying attention, you know that I've dedicated this week's blog posts to Miss Late July and you also know that the aforementioned artist is an amazing singer/songwriter who lives with a nude newscaster. Really, that last point isn't critical towards my argument but I mean, come on, I don't need an excuse to put hot chicks on this blog. Late July (née Nicole Simone) is releasing her new album, Hospital Quiet tonight and will be having a release party at The Painted Lady in Toronto. As I live about 570 miles 913 kilometers away, I won't be making it to the shindig but I can give her the free press of a review. If you're unaware, that's a big deal. This blog is read by, literally, tens of people!

July In March Part One

On Wednesday Miss Late July is releasing her new album, Hospital Quiet, and I decided that since I'm too far away to buy her vegan cupcakes for congratulations, I'd dedicate all three blog posts this week to her awesome music. We'll start with a quick what's what of the special Who.

1. Claims to be originally from California but, as you'll see later, I believe she's from Galiffrey.
2. Currently resides in Toronto.
3. Vegan, loves dogs.
4. Has referred to her music on more than one occasion as 'Sadcore'. Don't worry, I had to Google it too. 
5. Lives with this girl (<--- probably NSFW) in an apartment they've christened Fort Dork.  

I don't think either one of them would accept a marriage proposal via e-mail or Twitter, but I understand where you're coming from. Now, on to the music!

Yeah, Right

You know that movie you only started watching because Showtime said that there were boobies in it, but then changed the channel after 10 minutes because you still hadn't seen said boobies? This is that movie. You're probably searching the world for something to complete you, but have yet to find it so you watch old sitcom reruns on one of those channels for women. I started watching this movie 15 years ago, quite literally, because of that Showtime warning and finished watching it just a few weeks ago because something was missing from my life it's frakking great. 

Egads!

Before I get into this review, I feel compelled to mention something: The Aussie trying to speak like an Alabama native was, quite possibly, the dumbest idea in cinema history. Except for casting Judge Reinhold as a Black Ops officer in "Project: Human Weapon". Peter Jackson set the bar pretty high for Australian filmmakers, so it's only natural that I compare what could be done, with what is actually done. Unfortunately, I found this effort... lacking.

If You've Ever Wondered, This Is Why I'm So Critical of Americans



I've been a little out of touch lately. I spent all day last Friday pissing and moaning about not feeling well, most of the weekend hanging with my wife, and all day Sunday driving to a hotel for a business trip. When I got to my hotel room I thought I'd take a quick look and see what I had missed in the world. I was not pleased by what greeted me.

Their Five Year Mission: To Explore Strange New Foibles...

I don't have time for a full post today, because I will be spending it with The Lady. While it's true that Mrs. Attack Resistance and I have only been married since August, we are celebrating the fifth anniversary of our first date today. Five years and two days ago today I went to her house in the early morning and drank copious amounts of coffee (despite the fact that I worked on night shift and I'm not much of a coffee drinker) after I got off work. Five years and one day ago I didn't sleep at all and struggled through an 11 hour shift in a warehouse using nothing but my willpower (amplified by the +5 socks I was wearing) and a few successful luck checks to survive. Five years ago today I went out and drank green beer that tasted terrible and talked about how much Creed and Nickelback suck with the woman who would become my wife. It was amazing. So! Since you've all been good boys and girls, I give you this funny video I made several years ago with some friends:

I Love You Mrs. Attack Resistance. Now.

“In A Mad World, Only the Mad are Sane.”

So you know how, over the last few weeks, I've made two or three posts about how awful humanity is on the whole, and how great it is when we get our shit together? Well, Dear Readers, now is your chance to prove me wrong on the first one, and prove me right on the second (everyone wins!). See, Japan needs your help. Mother Nature has recently taken a very large, very violent dump on this beautiful island nation and the Japanese people are in rough shape.

Making the Case for the Final Frontier

As NASA prepares to mothball the 30 year-old shuttle program, I want to take some time to say farewell to one of humanity's greatest achievements and possibly make some sarcastic remarks about related and non-related things. To start with, I am a huge fan of NASA, the ISS ISS, comet-violating space probes, and mankind expanding into the vast blackness of space in general. When I say, '...vast blackness...' I really mean it. I believe the late, great Douglas Adams said it best:

“Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.”

 This comes from a guy who stretched a trilogy into six books, so you know it's legit.

Spring Time Haiku

Returning Starlings

Fill the trees like so many

Black necrotic leaves

We've Come So Far

Ever since Marvel announced they were going to make an Avengers movie, every fanboy and girl out there has been talking about a JLA flick. Well kids, I'm here to tell ya, it ain't gonna happen. The guys over at DC will tell you that they think a JLA movie is unnecessary because their characters are so much larger than life that they don't need to mix up the individual properties to achieve geek success. I cal bullshit on that. Wanna know why? Because they've already been down the JLA road before (twice, technically), and it was a bumpy ride.

OH MY GOD!!!

Photos: "Zombie" Ants Found With New Mind-Control Fungi

Seriously, Mother Nature, what the hell?!

This Is Your Fault

I'm not really sure what happened, Dear Readers, but I didn't watch any bad movies this week. I didn't try any unusual colas from another country (or, in Moxie's case, another country within a country) and I didn't play any video games I care to talk about. What. The. Fuck? Over. So, what are we going to about this? Are we going to have a discussion on the Middle East problem? Will we talk about gas prices? How about that chicken bone I saw in a freezer at my local Kroger store?

Oh, the Humanity!

I have made my disdain for most people very clear. In fact, save you Dear Readers, I could probably accurately state that I don't like most people or things. It's not that I'm a complete asshole (although I can think of a woman or two that could make a strong argument for that), it's just that I really can't stand ignorance. Humans tend toward really awful and/or stupid things. Here are three examples of awful things, and an example of the stupidest thing I think we've produced thus far:

1. This
2. That
3. The Other
4. Fucking Stupid

As with most things in life, this thought was best said in a movie. In 1997 Tommy Lee Jones starred in a movie called  Men In Black and he had one of the best lines about humanity ever:

A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

I Want To Like You

Let's get some [FULL DISCLOSURE] out of the way: I was born, and spent a lot of my youth, in Louisville, KY and it was very cool to see a movie shot there (last one I can think of was The Insider), so I was unfairly biased towards liking this movie from the very beginning. Also, I LOVE Zombie Flicks. See how I capitalized Zombie Flick? Look, I did it again! Additionally, I've reviewed this movie once before, a few years ago, and I gave it a rather scathing review. Now I've watched it again and have a slightly different take. For those of you that bother reading the original review (no link, go find it your damned self!), you'll notice that the core of the piece is intact. I just softened the edges and added some fluff. Just for you. This movie has a great poster, literally the best title for a Zombie Flick ever, and it was filmed in my adopted home town. How could it be anything other than good?

Gurl Nerdz R00l!

You know what is really, really awesome? Funny chicks. You know what's even more awesome than that? Funny chicks that play the ukulele and the flute. That's what you get when you listen to Garfunkel and Oates, the comedy duo that has taken YouTube by storm and has recently released a new album All Over Your Face. There are ten tracks here, and most are two and a half minutes or less although the tune This Party Just Took A Turn for the Douche (which might just be their Yesterday), runs just shy of four minutes. If you've known about them for a while (you're probably a liar) then you'll recognize four songs from their previous album Music Songs that have been polished up in the studio a bit and re-released to great effect. If you think I'm going to sit here and take the time to tell you about this album track by track, then you'd be right. *exasperated sigh*

Mood Music

To get you in the mood for tomorrow's post (which goes live at noon EST), I present you with the song that first introduced me to Garfunkel and Oates. H/T to Shakewell.

I Just Don't Know What to Say.

Wait a minute... yes I do.

The director of The Breed had obviously seen Terry Gilliam's Brazil (a favorite in the Attack Resistance Household) a few too many times and asked himself the question, "If Brazil had been an ill-conceived tale about vampires in the near future, what would it be like?" Well, I'll tell ya Dear Readers, it'd be like 91 minutes of a Swedish whore kicking you in the groin, only not as satisfying.

Everyone should be rocking this t-shirt. You can get it here (All hail ThinkGeek!).

Yes, Always!

My friend has lots of free time and he's also brilliant. You're welcome world.

This Is What Happens When You Make Superhero Musicals

Someone at the day job mentioned how funny it was that they were making a musical based on Spider-Man (if you're not a nerd, go here to see what I'm talking about) and they then went on to talk about how they'd never heard of that sort of thing before. I wanted to get into a discussion about how funny a Matter Eater Lad musical would be, but my fellow proletarians would have none of it, opting to focus on silly things like 'work' instead. Pity. Anyhow, Dear Readers, my memory was jogged and from the murky depths of my sub-subconscious came the vivid vision of Alan Arkin wearing a funny looking uniform and singing a song. Let's take a second to talk about that.

Smart Never Looked This Simple

The author of xkcd is much, much smarter than you. Accept it. It takes an exceptional mind to make up something like ChessCoaster. It also takes a twisted mind to come up with a webcomic that is equal parts sarcastic wit, hopeless romantic, sci-fi nerd, and Mathlete. It's more than a little bit scary how much I identify with the comics you'll find here, especially when you factor in the part where I'm fucking stupid. So what's the big deal? Why write a page or two about a silly little stick figure webcomic that approximately 90% of the people I know wouldn't understand? Well get cozy, Dear Readers, and I'll tell you.

Music using ONLY sounds from Windows XP and 98!

A brief Saturday distraction.

Taste the Thunder!

There's a very real chance that you've never heard of the product I'm reviewing today. Just like the Moxie post a million years ago, this is one of those things that only a handful of my fellow Americans have heard of or tried. Despite the fact that it is the most popular soft drink in the world's second most populated country, it hasn't seen a lot of mainstream attention in the States or, for that matter, anywhere else really. In India, where it is most popular, it is known as a manly drink. A drink that will boost your machismo and, presumably, increase your attractiveness to the opposite sex and possibly Tigers tigers. That drink, dear readers, is known as Thums Up and it is better than you.

Zombie Love

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you the best looking game trailer ever made:

CRACKDOWN 2: This Time It's... the Same As Last Time?

We should be honest with ourselves: No one bought the original Crackdown because they thought it was going to be an awesome game. I would venture a purely unscientific guess that 90% of the gamers that picked up that game got it strictly for the Halo 3 beta. I respect that. However, players who ignored Crackdown and only played the Halo3 beta missed out on a fun game from the earlier days of the 360. It featured an open world sandbox-style environment, multiple ways to beat the game, fun mini games, good writing, and even an unexpected twist at the end. All in all, Crackdown was a great game that offered hours of entertainment and was a completionists dream game. Everyone expected a sequel to come down the pipeline due to the games sales figures, relative popularity, and the cliffhanger ending. That sequel never came.

Happy VD to All, and to All A Good Night!

I have accomplished only one thing of any merit in my life. Most everything I've done in my 31.5 years of life could probably have been done by a well trained spider monkey. Sure, I made a Canadian celebrity and his Communications Director laugh once, but it's not like the comedy world is exactly knocking on the door with job offers. I can say with some pride that I have climbed mountains, swam in vast cold oceans, got in the water with a whale shark the size of a frakking Greyhound bus, and I've even jumped out of a perfectly good airplane. Twice. Still, none of this really amounts to anything in my mind; lots of people of all shapes and sizes can make similar claims. For all of the cool things that I have seen and done only one thing truly matters to me. Truly counts as a worthy achievement.

In Mother Russia Blog Reads You!

This isn't a full blog post, just wanted everyone to know that this site: Яндекс is the second highest referring site to my blog. I don't understand it either. Clearly, there's not nearly enough of you out there breaking the first rule of Fight Club.

Maybe This Can Hold You Over Until the Inevitable Reboot

OK, the special effects are hideous (even for a mid-90's Roger Corman film), and it's about as campy as the original 1960's comics, but I still enjoy this movie. Sue me.  The acting in it wasn't stellar, but it wasn't really bad either. It's reported that this movie was only made so it's production company could keep the rights to it for another five years and if that's the case, they did a pretty good job on their 5 dollar budget. Plus, they didn't take a classic villain that was just begging to be made into a movie character and completely destroy him. Like some other movies I could link to.




*SPOILER(S) AHEAD!* 

What The Hell Was That?

or, if you prefer,

  

Okay, let's not mince words: This year's Super Bowl Halftime show was a travesty.

There's really not a whole lot more to say but I will, for your sake Dear Readers, press onward. I know that lots of you are probably hoping that I take a few swipes at the National Anthem debacle but, seriously guys, it's been done.

No. This hasn't been done before. No one in America has complained about the Halftime show until this very moment!

Right from the get go I should tell you that I'm a mild fan of The Black Eyed Peas. Some of their songs are actually pleasing to my delicate ears and, I have to admit, that Fergie Fergie is quite the looker. So I was a little bit excited to see what they could offer. I would now, very much so, like to rescind that excitement. Also, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to replace it with dread.

What Has Two Thumbs and Will Consume ALL of your Free Time?

For the longest time, in order to share the fun stuff you found on the Interwebs, you'd have to either send an     e-mail, send an IM, or (GASP!) actually communicate verbally to your friends and loved ones. Thankfully there is a shining beacon of hope that has come to free us of the dreary act of talking to one another, or actually using the Internet for something productive and helpful. That beacon is StumbleUpon. Do you enjoy sleep? I hope not, because once you install this bad boy you'll never get to R.E.M. R.E.M. again.

Insidious Canadian Plot to Destroy American Productivity Revealed!

It is a sad but true fact that most Americans are almost totally ignorant of Canadian culture. Sure the Gen-X kids remember You Can't Do That on Television, The Kids in the Hall, and maybe SCTV but that's really about it. When it comes to music, it's even worse. Try this exercise:

As fast as you can, name five Canadian musical acts. GO!

Let me guess:

1. Ryan Adams
2. Rush
3. Alanis Morrisette
4. Bare Naked Ladies
5. Celine Dion (Canada owes us for taking her in, by the way)

However, there's a new storm on the Northern Horizon. A dastardly plot that will single handedly destroy all aspects of American society.

Canadian Conspiracy Theories Are Amusing

Since I recently completed a marathon stint in the Great White North I decided to make this week all about Canada. The first thing you'll notice about Canada is that it's just like the U.S., except cleaner and more polite. Also, everything is in French and English instead of Spanish and English. The second thing you'll notice, if you're anything like me,  is that there's a line two miles 3.22 kilometers long outside of a coffee shop called Tim Hortons.

Something Wicked This Way Comes



My good friend over at The Kitchenette has cajoled me into writing with her again. This is a good thing for a number of reasons:

1. I'm sure that a society deprived of my acerbic wit is a society more likely to hate kittens

-and-

2. I need something to do besides play video games and read comic books [FULL DISCLOSURE: This is mainly Mrs. Attack Resistance's opinion]

As such I'm planning a bit of a come back. I hope to be able to keep going for more than a couple of weeks this time, but video games and comic books are pretty time consuming, so please don't judge me if I disappear again. Also, stop hating kittens. You know what kind of person hates kittens? This guy.