Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Canadian Conspiracy Theories Are Amusing

Since I recently completed a marathon stint in the Great White North I decided to make this week all about Canada. The first thing you'll notice about Canada is that it's just like the U.S., except cleaner and more polite. Also, everything is in French and English instead of Spanish and English. The second thing you'll notice, if you're anything like me,  is that there's a line two miles 3.22 kilometers long outside of a coffee shop called Tim Hortons.
Tim Hortons is like what would happen if you could actually order a cup of coffee at Starbucks without sounding like a complete prat. Which is not to say that Tim's (as the faithful have taken to calling it) doesn't have its own language. I myself, impartial journalistic mastermind that I am, fell prey to the allure of a quickly blurted out order secure in the knowledge that the old Canadian lady behind the counter would be able to keep up, unlike the stupid American teenager who would have to look for the picture then press the wrong one (my drink of choice was ordered thusly: Large Earl Grey, bag in, two sugars, double-cupped). Tim's offers a wide array of products ranging from donut holes (Tim Bits) to lunch sandwiches and all the beverage options one would expect from a non-pretentious coffee shop. The big draw though is, obviously, their coffee. Unlike the aforementioned Starbucks, Tim Hortons always has freshly made coffee that actually tastes good. This should be reason enough to explain the immense popularity of the chain, but for some people, there must be a deeper explanation.

Not content to think that the coffee is good because it is brewed from fresh ingredients every twenty minutes (seriously, if a pot of coffee actually lasts for 21 minutes they toss it out and brew a new one) many Canadians have decided that Tim Hortons puts an additive into its coffee to make it addictive. Yeah, I know. I thought the same thing. Buncha' jackasses! One day, in a fit of logic fueled anger, I grabbed one of my Canadian cohorts and showed them this website. This is, I promise you Dear Reader, the response I got:

Canadian Friend: Oh yeah, I know they don't put nicotine in the coffee, that would just be stupid, eh?
Me: Oh good, so you're not one of those-
Canadian Friend: They line their cups with a vanilla extract that makes people more thirsty.
Me: *facepalm*
So, let's review. In America we have conspiracy theories about the government being responsible for 9/11 and that our current president isn't a U.S. born citizen. In Canada they have conspiracy theories about why their coffee is so good.

Go buy some Tim's. Now.

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