Thursday, February 3, 2011

Insidious Canadian Plot to Destroy American Productivity Revealed!

It is a sad but true fact that most Americans are almost totally ignorant of Canadian culture. Sure the Gen-X kids remember You Can't Do That on Television, The Kids in the Hall, and maybe SCTV but that's really about it. When it comes to music, it's even worse. Try this exercise:

As fast as you can, name five Canadian musical acts. GO!

Let me guess:
  1. Ryan Adams
  2. Rush
  3. Alanis Morrisette
  4. Bare Naked Ladies
  5. Celine Dion (Canada owes us for taking her in, by the way)
However, there's a new storm on the Northern Horizon. A dastardly plot that will single handedly destroy all aspects of American society.

That threat, dear readers, comes in the form of a tattooed über-geek that goes by the name of Fearless Fred. Fearless Fred (née Fred Kennedy) has built a small but influential media empire in Canada that encompasses radio, television, and the interwebs. I would not be surprised if he's the one that sprays the Tim Hortons cups with that vanilla extract because the dude has some kind of hypno-powers that force you to watch/read/listen to him. I tried to resist, dear readers, I really tried. I must report with a heavy heart that I failed however. Have to wake up at 4:30 in the AM to get to work by 5:30? That's just tough, Fred is getting a tattoo on the TV tonight! Need to pay attention to the road because of the snowmageddon in the GTA GTA? Sorry 'bout it, Fred is telling me about some comic book stuff that is much more important than my personal safety. Don't even get me started on how many hours I have seen other people (but not me, dear readers) waste on reading his blogs and movie reviews online!

The Fearless Wonder hosts the ride home segment on 102.1 The Edge (weekdays 2-7PM), blogs frequently, tweets even more often, and finds time in there to get himself on Teletoon At Night (imagine Adult Swim, but Canadian) to talk to the creators of cartoons, talk about great movies, get tattoos, and make fun of stuff. He's the kind of guy that would not find it weird to debate what the greatest spaceship in Science Fiction history is for hours and hours (for the record, it's the Galactica. Suck it h8rs!). In the end, that's what is going to allow him to enslave us. He'll talk to you about the cartoons you love and then convince you to get a Green Lantern tattoo and then you'll be signing your mortgage and your car title over to him and then we're all going to be saying goodnight prayers to the peaceful yet vengeful Fred in the sky! 

So this is how it ends America? We go out not with a bang, but with a whimper as our all-seeing media overlord tells us what to watch, listen to, and read? Soon we'll all get fat, stupid, and lack the basic critical thinking skills that will allow us to make informed decisions about the world around us.



Sorry, Fred, someone already got to us first. 

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