The World Almost Ended Just Now

As the nine of you that read this blog know, I have a strong attachment to this new, living creature known as Teh Interwebz. The Internet allows us to communicate with people thousands of miles away in real time, watch as we land rovers on Mars, and of course, take pictures of our food to show to our friends. So if something should ever happen to this now indispensable facet of our day to day life the impact would be felt immediately, right? Right. That's why, today, I blew a fucking gasket.

Dear Felix Baumgartner

Dear Felix Baumgartner,

You, sir, are the very definition of a BAMF.

For those of you that don’t know who Mr. Baumgartner is, let me break it down for you: In 1960 Colonel Joseph Kittinger, former command pilot for the USAF (and surviving Vietnam War POW) participated in Project Excelsior which was designed to test the chances of a successful high altitude bail out and what affect they could/would have on the human body. This qualifies him as Felix’s BAMF Father. At the time of Col. Kittinger’s jump there were no fancy pressurized capsules, ultra-accurate sensors, or even energy drinks. Wearing a pressure suit and several layers of clothing that doubled his weight, and having absolutely no idea what would happen to his body at those altitudes and speeds, Colonel Joseph Kittinger stepped out of an open air gondola… and vanished. He awoke to find himself trapped in the past. His highest altitude was recorded as 19.47 miles, his free fall lasted for 4 minutes, 36 seconds, and he achieved a speed of ~614 MPH (that’s 9/10ths of mach, donchaknow). He landed safely in the New Mexico desert. That’s pretty amazing, right? Right. So let’s beat that record.

He's A Funny (looking) Guy

Some time ago a friend of mine and I decided that we were going to bite the bullet, face our fears, cross off a bucket list item, and some other tired phrase and try our hand at stand up comedy. We both love the format to no end and are moderately amusing to people when we're at parties. Long story short: He did it several times and I did not. I went to see his first performance and watched in awe as his first three jokes bombed like Enola Gay. His fourth joke involved him having a giant cock and Richard Simmons and, as such, was met with great peals of laughter. He is much more of a badass than me. These are facts and I can't explain it. However, I did actually write up some material and I might have practiced it in the mirror a few times. Found them today and thought I'd share with you. Because I love you, Dear Readers, that's why [Editor's note: These are unedited and you'll get to see some notes I gave myself along the way].

The Universe

At work the other day, I got reflective and accidentally wrote a poem. My apologies. 

I often look at the stars.
I get a feeling of vertigo if I think about it too hard.
How is it possible that we're still alone?
If I stare long enough, and engage all the Math,
I can begin to see a three dimensional view of
The Universe

I often look at the stars.
I get a feeling of sadness if I think about it too hard.
Could it be that all of this is for naught?
My imagination takes over, when I disengage the Math,
I see a perfect, three dimensional view of
The Universe

I often look at the stars.
I get a feeling of wonder if I think about it too hard.
Within the scope of all this enormity, why can I only...
Why can I only think of my own mortality,
When I see a three dimensional view of
The Universe

The Search for Our Beginning Could Lead to Many Sequels

Having finally gotten round to watching Prometheus (Happy Father’s Day old man), I am now prepared to convey to you the follow up to my preemptive review. I’ll tell you now that there may be a spoiler or two in the article below, but I’ll hide them so you don’t have to read it unless you want to. I’m not going to nitpick on the tiny details like I have seen some people do, though I have one or two concerns regarding some plot holes or inconsistencies (as well as my thoughts on the reasoning). Because this is a response to my preemptive review, I’ll answer all the questions and thoughts I had in the original article first, and then give a proper review after. Enjoy. Or don’t. So long as you’re reading…

Predicting the (Cinematic) Future

Preemptive Review

Prometheus

I’ve decided that I’m going to attempt a new gimmick at reviewing things, Preemptive Reviews! It’s going to work like this: operating with no knowledge of a film other than the teasers and trailers available before release, I will review a movie. Then, after seeing the film, I’ll see how spot on I was. This is going to be fun. For me. I’m sure that my tens of readers will enjoy it as well. Mainly because those 12 people consist of people that are legally required to say they enjoy my writing (Hi mom!).

NO KITTY! THESE ARE MY CHEESY POOFS!

Recently, on one of my favorite podcasts, a documentary was reviewed titled Finding North. The point of this particular documentary was to highlight the rather massive (pun intended) issue of childhood obesity in America. In the end, the documentary was reviewed poorly because it left the viewer with the impression that what they saw was a bunch of fat, American kids complaining that they were hungry. When I heard that my mind immediately cut to the scene where Eric Cartman explains to Starvin’ Marvin about appetizers. The comparison disturbed me on a couple of levels: For starters, it bothers me that the film’s producers took such a vital and pressing issue of American Society and made it sound like the mewling of a fat, spoiled rotten cat. Second, why is my mind so easily able to remember an episode of a cartoon with vivid detail after nearly 15 years of seeing it (once), yet can’t remember to take the trash to the curb on Monday mornings? Anyhow, I asked Charlie if she’d mind if I responded to her review (not to rebut, I haven’t actually seen the film, but simply to give my take on the cause of this issue).

The biggest problem, of course, is that the issue of childhood obesity in America is probably the largest problem impacting this country and it certainly doesn’t help us when a group of well intentioned people lose the thread of their point and make us look like fat idiots to the whole planet (and if you’ve paid attention at all to our political climate recently, you’ll know that we don’t need any help with that).

So. How can the point be illustrated without sounding pandering or pedantic? I have no idea, because I’m rather dim. BUT! The best part of being dim is not knowing when to shut up!

Gravity Is Just A Theory

Here's a story I wrote shortly after I got back from a very relaxing vacation in Maine. It was actually the day after my wedding anniversary so I was relaxed, content, and ecstatic that I had managed to trick Mrs. Attack Resistance into staying around as long as she has. For those that believe this story is some sort of contrived play on actual events in order to create a humorous situation out of my banal life (you mean you didn't believe my chicken truck story?!) I have provided photographic evidence at the end. You're welcome.

What Do You Mean, "Where Have You Been?"

What? You act like it's been almost a year since I posted. Get off my back!

The following is a tale I told to some colleagues in the Spring of last year, to explain why I missed a conference call. To protect my job I have eliminated any overt mention of my company's name (and yes, I agree, it is silly/childish that I have to do that). This is a departure from how/what I usually blog, but I'm trying something new. Let me know what you think by commenting or sending me a message on Twitter (@attackresist). Enjoy!