Thursday, October 11, 2012

He's A Funny (looking) Guy

Some time ago a friend of mine and I decided that we were going to bite the bullet, face our fears, cross off a bucket list item, and some other tired phrase and try our hand at stand up comedy. We both love the format to no end and are moderately amusing to people when we're at parties. Long story short: He did it several times and I did not. I went to see his first performance and watched in awe as his first three jokes bombed like Enola Gay. His fourth joke involved him having a giant cock and Richard Simmons and, as such, was met with great peals of laughter. He is much more of a badass than me. These are facts and I can't explain it. However, I did actually write up some material and I might have practiced it in the mirror a few times. Found them today and thought I'd share with you. Because I love you, Dear Readers, that's why [Editor's note: These are unedited and you'll get to see some notes I gave myself along the way].

You know what I don't understand? Why Right-Wingers are against homosexuals serving in the military. Here’s a group of people that firmly believe that all homosexuals will burn in Hell FOREVER, and they don't want them leaving the country and getting shot at? Doesn’t make sense…

Of course, there’s been a lot of talk recently about gay people in society. Can they get married, should they get married, Don't Ask Don't Tell got repealed, all kinds of stuff. I was talking about this with a friend of mine the other day and he stopped me and said, “Hey, you know I’m gay, right?” I was shocked! Really? Paul? Gay? This guy got more tail in high school than anyone I’ve ever met! I tell ya, I was so surprised I almost didn’t finish sucking his cock. [PAUSE] Almost. (make this the opening joke)

don't know about you guys, but I could give a shit less about gay people getting married. Why should straight men be the only ones miserably confused about what they just did wrong for the rest of their lives?

Speaking of questionable marriages, I got married recently. It’s been a big change for me. For instance, when I was single you could step into my shower and see two things: a bottle of shampoo and a bar of soap. Nothing else. Bottle of shampoo and a bar of soap. No frilly pink things, nothing with the word ‘freesia’ in it, and for the love of God, nothing [MAKE AIR QUOTES] “All Natural”. Now? I counted the other day. There are currently 15 different bottles in my shower. 3 of them say ‘Soap & Fragrance Free’. What the fuck are they?! (make this funnier)

My wife is always yelling at me about not helping out more around the house. It’s not that I don't want to help, I just don't see it. I’m convinced that men have different eyes than women. Seriously, I can spot a boob through the scrambled channels on cable from 20 yards but will walk around a bag of trash in front of the back door for a week. I know it’s there, but my mind doesn't register that it’s important enough for me to pay attention to it.

Anybody else just fucking hate every other driver on the road? I drove here tonight on the interstate and this guy came flying up on me in pretty heavy traffic. I was doing 80 in a 65 and this asshole is acting like I'm Driving Miss Daisy or some shit. He starts honking his horn and flashing his lights and swerving all over the road so I finally find a place to pull over and let him go by. I was so pissed off that I couldn't stop thinking about what a dick that guy had been. Who the fuck does he think he is, trying to intimidate me? As luck would have it I saw him on the side of the road a few miles later so I stopped my car, dragged him out of the ambulance and beat the shit out of him.

I think my cat is trying to kill me. At first it was just little things like leaving a toy at the top of the stairs for me to slip on, or darting between my legs when I'm stumbling through the house at night, but lately he’s escalated things. This morning he threw the toaster in the shower! Fortunately he’s a cat and too stupid to realize you need to plug it in. (how do these last two fit in? You're the worst comic ever)

Please feel free to verbally eviscerate me in the comments section or over on Twitter @attackresist.


  1. "I don't know about you guys, but I could give a shit less about gay people getting married. Why should straight men be the only ones miserably confused about what they just did wrong for the rest of their lives?"

    This made me laugh out loud. Will you open for us?

  2. I think that I just fell in love with you.

  3. I get that a lot. The worst part about the remote experience that is blogging is that there's no way for my audience to throw their underwear on stage.