Friday, February 25, 2011

I Just Don't Know What to Say.

Wait a minute... yes I do.

The director of The Breed had obviously seen Terry Gilliam's Brazil (a favorite in the Attack Resistance Household) a few too many times and asked himself the question, "If Brazil had been an ill-conceived tale about vampires in the near future, what would it be like?" Well, I'll tell ya Dear Readers, it'd be like 91 minutes of a Swedish whore kicking you in the groin, only not as satisfying.

Genre fans who stumble upon this film will be thrilled to see Adrian Paul (of Highlander: The Series fame) doing something outside of his usual swing sword, wax philosophical, duck, swing sword again, defeat bad guy routine. They'll be thrilled, that is, until the movie starts. Have you ever started watching a movie and within one minute of screen time (I'm not counting all the warnings from the FBI) you knew that you were in for one of the worst movie watching experiences of your life? Well, get ready to feel it again. Don't believe me? Watch the clip below, it's just under a minute:

The dialogue was laced with gratuitous curse words (don't mistake me, I love curse words) and trite one-liners, and whoever edited this piece of crap should be shot. I have no real idea of exactly how the whole thing ended because I'm not really sure what happened during the first part of the film. With so many subplots your head begins to hurt and so much bad acting your head wants to explode, this movie should only be viewed with large quantities of beer and at least two other people you can MST3K with. The only thing that made me not stab myself in the eye with a dirty soup spoon was this line:

Evil Doctor Guy: "That's it, you are not James Bond, and I am not Blofeld. No more explanations!"

Dude From Jason's Lyric: "I'm getting paid scale!"

The cinematography was shaky at best and the acting was putrid. Also, what was with all the pseudo-1984 posters and PA announcements? The costumes were from the 50's, the cars were from the 60's, the music was from the 90's and I wish I were dead. 

This movie sucks. 

No comments:

Post a Comment