If You've Ever Wondered, This Is Why I'm So Critical of Americans



I've been a little out of touch lately. I spent all day last Friday pissing and moaning about not feeling well, most of the weekend hanging with my wife, and all day Sunday driving to a hotel for a business trip. When I got to my hotel room I thought I'd take a quick look and see what I had missed in the world. I was not pleased by what greeted me.



It started out okay. I checked the two blogs I read regularly and saw that BurtyBurt was still making somewhat NSFW doodles that make me smile and Miss Late July got to go to frakking ComiCon! So far, so good. Let's head on over to news.google.com and see what's happening out there in the world.

1. Wyclef Jean Has Been Shot
2. Duke Is Still Winning
3. We've Engaged In Yet Another Middle Eastern Conflict
4. Oh, BTW - Americans Are So Fat It's Making Public Transit Unsafe 

For everyone that has ever said to me, "Mr. Attack Resistance, you sure are hard on your brothers and sisters. Why are you so mean?"

Well, the answer is simple. Americans are choking to death on their own hubris. Look, I'm not going to lie, I could stand to lose a few thirty pounds and I'm sure that high school me would be disgusted if he could see what adult me has done to his swimmer's physique but for fuck's sake (!) I'm not this guy. I'm begging you America, stop making sites like this possible. Please, stay in school and pay attention while you're there. We have the single greatest public education system in the world and a great deal of you are stupid. I'm not even making a joke (okay, a little bit), a lot of you are stupid just because you slept through high school and have no idea how anything works or how the world reacts to dumb asses (here's a hint: poorly). Stop eating fast food! You can't possibly expect me to believe that you're so busy that you can't pack a lunch once in a while. Also, no bitching when a dozen organic eggs costs $4 when you're holding a $3 energy drink. Seriously, this is all easy stuff. Go outside once in a while, Wi-Fi enables you to take your netbook outdoors. 

Wake up America. Now.